Ouch, eHarmon(e)y. Really?

So I recently took the eHarmony personal profile test. eHarmony is actually a dating site, which they try to rope you into paying for by offering this test and then telling you they've found you the love(s) of your life via some patented algorithm. Well, I took the test a few years ago, and it refused to give me any answers. It said "Given your profile, we are unable to match you." Well if that's not depressing.

So I took it again the other day because I was still curious. Had I become matchable in the last year or so? The answer was yes! I was suddenly flooded with emails introducing me to eHarmony-approved "highly compatible" men. Of course, I can't actually communicate with any of them unless I pay $40/a month for a year or whatever. I should hope it wouldn't take a year to find a date in this town.

The best part, though, and the real reason I joined, was the personality assessment you get at the end. According to eHarmony, the phrase that best describes me is: CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.

And for a more nuanced assessment, the words that best describe me: 

Uncompromising Frank Astute

Critical Empirical Tough

Discerning Skeptical Shrewd

I don't know what's worse, having an online dating service tell you you're unmatcheable or having an online dating service tell you.you're completely self-absorbed.